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My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

For writers and readers, spriters and banner makers, and whatever else you can do that is creative.

My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby Slim_Shaddy316 » Thu Oct 07, 2010 7:16 am

I wrote this when a girl was messing me around, every thing in this is true
please give me any feedback. (I dont have a hook for it, any ideas?)

Im on top of the world and Im feeling great
Your the only reason im feelin straight
I know already, I wanna like you
we flirt, we talk, we text till 2
"dont fall hard, you'll only regret it"
"oh no problem, dont you sweat it"
Your standing there in your clique
I just want to kiss you on your cheek,
But your friends would stare, and give me a glare
I can sense they dont want me there,
"who is this boy, whos stealing our joy?"

I recall a spider within your humble abode
I should have gone, I could have rode
you wanted me there, to run my fingers through your hair
and tell you its alright, because theres nothing to fright
But I didnt come, I stayed home like a bum
It would have been fun, what we could of done
But it was okay, saved for another day

Then you vanished, you were gone for a week,
we didnt chill, we didnt text, we didnt speak.
I began to worry, the thoughts started to scurry
what if she's mad? what if shes sad?
what if she has grown a sudden detest?
and for a week I couldnt rest.
I couldnt sleep, I couldnt eat, I just felt incomplete.

And then you returned, with good news galore
you were grounded and you didnt ignore.
I was relieved,
but you had decieved
you told me you liked me
and this totally phsyched me.
you gave me desire
that I couldnt aquire

"I dont know how to say this, but theres another guy"
so its all been a lie!
anger flowing through my veins
the clouds cover and it starts to rain,
the drops of sadness pound above my hall
as I clench my fist and begin to crawl
the music is pumping, and my heart is thumping
I yell and scream, to blow off some steam
my fist still clenched, my clothes are drenched
my nausious stomach is being ripped and wrenched
madness and sadness mix and mingle, oh how I hate being single
my delirious mind leaves me furious,
how she can be so spurious,
I thrust the ball of flesh on the end of my arm
it strikes the wall but does no harm,
I swing again,
it echoes the den,
I feel my knuckles penetrate the membrane
I must refrane from striking again,
but my fist keeps moving, I dont know what im proving,
I just keep punching, my knuckles are crunching

the rage simmers my blood as I lay on my bed depleted
a tear rolls down my cheek and I feel defeated,
I need some air,
this isnt fair.
one in the morning I leave my house
sneaking out as quiet as a mouse
no shirt no shoes,
no need to snooze
I begin to sprint, and sprint I did
I just ran and ran and then I hid,
fatigue to the point of illness,
laying on the road in utter stillness
spending my time squandering and pondering
over the girl that kept my mind wandering.

Look at me now, I was on top of the world
but things got swirled, twisted, and twirled.
theres one thing to keep in mind
S*** happens, and love is blind.




plz suggest ur views.......!!!
suggestions appreciated...!! ;) :P
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby Ahmed » Fri Oct 08, 2010 3:44 pm

AWESOMEZ.

Nice use of words, it's kind of aimed at a certain age.
I would change the part of fist swinging :P

Other than that, it needs a chorus as you said, and it'll be finished.
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby littlekitty1 » Fri Oct 08, 2010 7:50 pm

i couldnt of done it better myself ;) awesome try for 1st attempt ;)
http://img256.imageshack.us/i/682008247868186.gif/
<Timmi>: !die littlekitty1
<werewolf>: Timmi walks over the streets searching for littlekitty1.
<werewolf>: However, littlekitty1 moved to another country and jaff doesnt know where he lives now.
<werewolf>: Murder attempt failed!
Image < thanks dip
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゙(゚、 。 7
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 じしf_, )ノ < thanks tycoon
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby Billz » Sat Oct 09, 2010 7:40 am

Wicked! should actually rap and upload to utube
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby Slim_Shaddy316 » Sat Oct 09, 2010 8:31 am

Ahmed wrote:AWESOMEZ.

Nice use of words, it's kind of aimed at a certain age.
I would change the part of fist swinging :P

Other than that, it needs a chorus as you said, and it'll be finished.



i m nt able 2 think abt d xact chorus b will soon find it n finish it off.....
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby G-Dragon » Sat Oct 23, 2010 2:12 am

Well I Always Like The Song That Are Composed By Themselves .
Nice One Dude Keep It Up
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby DevilishRyuk » Sat Oct 23, 2010 4:23 am

Nice 1st attempt eu sure its 1st attempt? haha.. :rofl:
Keep it up! :P :rock:


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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby Jig-saw » Sat Oct 23, 2010 11:42 am

LOL that is a great rap you should add more

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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby Slim_Shaddy316 » Tue Nov 23, 2010 7:24 am

well i m thinkin 2 rite a new song i vill post it soon...
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby D1G1T4L » Tue Nov 23, 2010 11:33 am

I like it dude, keep that good work(:
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby DarkAizen » Thu Nov 25, 2010 11:49 am

O.o that was a wicked rap but its pwnsome and i should say that it was awesome.

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Dunno how to write a song by myself , i usually copy from a magazine or sumthing.
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby aky47 » Mon Dec 20, 2010 7:46 pm

nice. if u make a diffrent one try not to ryme as much im not being mean or anything
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby Slim_Shaddy316 » Sun Dec 26, 2010 8:35 am

kk aky i vil keep dat in mind.....
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby X-Gen-|.aNg3l-sAkU-| » Sun Dec 26, 2010 10:53 am

i really like it... keep writing cool raps i hope u will turn out like Eminem one day (Teh Best Rapper :) )
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Re: My 1st RAP (hope every1 lyks it) ...!!!!!!!

Postby Slim_Shaddy316 » Thu Jan 06, 2011 8:39 am

X-Gen-|.aNg3l-sAkU-| wrote:i really like it... keep writing cool raps i hope u will turn out like Eminem one day (Teh Best Rapper :) )


hahaha i guess dats 2 much bro...!!!!!! :snicker: bt thx 4 ur support :angel:
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