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"The Hero" - Prologue (Chapter three released!)

For writers and readers, spriters and banner makers, and whatever else you can do that is creative.

Re: "The Hero" - Prologue

Postby Shohs » Wed Nov 18, 2009 9:11 pm

Broags wrote:Suggestion - 'A bright, light blue light shone at her eyes' would read better as 'A bright, sky blue light shone at her eyes'.


I'll check it over, reread it and see for myself :D

Broags wrote:Missing Text - ' Yet the power you just us-” ' - ' It wouldn’t even be able to withstand a single str-” '


They were intentional :P
The speaker, Rivïo in this case, was cut off mid-speech. The first one was when Nova interjected by complaining she didn't use the power, the second was when she struck the lumisteel with the blade, the loud noise cutting out his speech.

I do appreciate the questions and ideas as well, and before even reading back over it I think I might change the first quote to match that. I can't think of often seeing "light blue" in a book. As I stated at the beginning of the first section, the forums messes up the formatting I have, so it is more difficult to read it like it should be read. Such as the points where Rivïo is cut off while speaking.

A request, for specifically Kyle and Broags, but anyone in particular can do it. If you guys see any misspellings or improper grammar, etc., let me know please. That way I can get it fixed :D

*edit*

Changed "light blue" to "sky blue" in Enter Nova, changed "Instinctually" to "Instinctively" in Enter Nova.
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue

Postby Broags » Thu Nov 19, 2009 7:18 am

Broags wrote:Missing Text - ' Yet the power you just us-” ' - ' It wouldn’t even be able to withstand a single str-” '

Shohs wrote:They were intentional :P
The speaker, Rivïo in this case, was cut off mid-speech. The first one was when Nova interjected by complaining she didn't use the power, the second was when she struck the lumisteel with the blade, the loud noise cutting out his speech.



Ah sorry mate (excuse: was late when I read it :end excuse)

I'll let you know if I spot anything else. I'm fairly good with English but I'm not an expert by far. Error checker helps - maybe type-up in Word or if you don't have that try Open Office, it's free ;) .

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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue

Postby Shohs » Thu Nov 19, 2009 9:23 pm

I use Word, luckily my dad has a CD with it on it. I don't like OpenOffice, I have to use it at school because they were too late to get a license for Microsoft Works. Blech.

However, even with Word, it misses things. I think it checks grammar section by section rather than the whole sentence (most of the time). Then there is the spell checker, it may change things or ignore misspellings if it is too close to a different word. So...yeah :P
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue

Postby Lyzier_34 » Thu Nov 19, 2009 11:40 pm

nice to read this :smile:

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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (includes two chapters)

Postby Cool Trainer Kyle » Fri Nov 20, 2009 1:12 am

I haven't read it all yet, I'll finish it tomorrow night, but I like this addition as well! I'm starting to feel connected to the story in a way. Not because I have something to relate to, which I don't think I do. But just because of the content and diction itself. It's drawing me in. And if I had nothing to do for the rest of the night I would sit here in awe and read over and over. As of right now, I'm only on the superficial level of the story, but it's still just as appealing as it would be if I had taken it deeper.

Really nice job Shohs!
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (includes two chapters)

Postby Road351 » Fri Nov 20, 2009 12:19 pm

nce chapter 2!!!!
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (includes two chapters)

Postby Shohs » Fri Nov 20, 2009 10:57 pm

Cool Trainer Kyle wrote:I haven't read it all yet, I'll finish it tomorrow night, but I like this addition as well! I'm starting to feel connected to the story in a way. Not because I have something to relate to, which I don't think I do. But just because of the content and diction itself. It's drawing me in. And if I had nothing to do for the rest of the night I would sit here in awe and read over and over. As of right now, I'm only on the superficial level of the story, but it's still just as appealing as it would be if I had taken it deeper.

Really nice job Shohs!


Thanks Kyle :)
What did you think of Ero? Or have you not read that one yet? :)
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (includes two chapters)

Postby Cool Trainer Kyle » Sat Nov 21, 2009 1:40 am

Ero? Is that the title?

I just finished reading. The Xyrala seems like a sadistic sort of game! Almost sickening. Is it a way of weeding out the ones that are unworthy of something?
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (includes two chapters)

Postby Shohs » Sat Nov 21, 2009 1:55 am

Mmhmm, ironically, the Celests are a rather peaceful race. Celests need to be able to defend themselves, especially Nova. If they can't make it through the Xyrala, they aren't worthy of being known as a true Celest. There are perks to being a Celest. But those shall remain a secret ^^

Ero is the story I emailed you.
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (includes two chapters)

Postby Cool Trainer Kyle » Sat Nov 21, 2009 1:59 am

Yeah, I just found Ero. I hadn't checked my emails until this point. I'll read it tonight before I head off to bed.
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (includes two chapters)

Postby Shohs » Sat Nov 21, 2009 2:01 am

Okay. As I said, it was for a class, so it probably isn't as interesting as this one. I was actually supposed to keep it within 3-4 pages :lol:
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (includes two chapters)

Postby Cool Trainer Kyle » Sat Nov 21, 2009 2:05 am

Haha oh don't worry, I'm sure I'll find it just as interesting. I can tell just by this one story :)
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (includes two chapters)

Postby Shohs » Wed Jan 20, 2010 2:57 am

Hey guys, I may get to write more with my free time >.>
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The Will of the Blade

Postby Shohs » Sat Jan 30, 2010 1:50 am

I give to you, chapter three.

“Nova dear, what is it that you are wearing?”

Nova looked at Rivïo’s mother. She was a kind and caring Celest, more so than was normal. It was Nalya who had taken Nova in when her parents had been killed, unsuccessful in their attempts to win the Xyrala.

“Um, I…I don’t know really. It…it’s a long story. Sort of. A meteor landed near Rivïo and myself when we were in the Grove of Arvol, and this armor appeared on me when the meteor fell apart.”

“The Grove of Arvol you say? Hmm. I don’t like it. But I’m proud of you two for winning! It’s a shame all those young Celests died though.”

Kill her.

Nova jumped at the sound. It was as if it was there, right next to her. She quickly glanced around, making sure Rivïo wasn’t playing a trick on her.

Kill both of them.

“I have to go…get ready for tomorrow, see you around Nalya!”

With that, Nova ran out the door. She had definitely heard a voice back in the house. A short ways down the path, she glanced back at the place she called home. It wasn’t much, a small, glass structure, but it was beautiful all the same. The surface swam in all the colors of the spectrum, depending on the time of day. All of the Celestial houses were made like this, shaped from sand and blasted with heat, then infused with magic to give it color.

Draw the sword.

The blade was in her hands already, though she hadn’t moved. It caught the light of the falling sun as she turned it over, giving it a more terrifying look. The guard of the blade was a Xisren Crest, like the one on her wrist. The four cardinal points of a twelve-pointed, crimson colored star reaching out the furthest, all twelve points connected by a black circle. It was the mark of the gods, of the Hero turned god. It was the mark of the Judgment Hall, the palace that all Celests went to upon death, where they were either sent to the abyss to rest in peace, or sent back to life.

Kenstri. What a pathetic blade.

The words seemed to make the blade swim, as if a black cloud were moving across its razor edge. For a moment, the obsidian seemed to reform, gaining a curve to it and becoming more of a gray than a black. Nova blinked, not sure if she was viewing an illusion, and the blade was normal again.


*



“Welcome, Celests, to the Ceremony of Imvïa. Each year, we gather to celebrate the induction of three into our true ranks. Rivïo Kâst, Nova Seliss, and Zeleck Arough, please step forward.”

The three took a step forward, and then another, all in rhythm with the beating drums. With the Elder who was conducting the Ceremony, they formed a diamond around a large pit, roughly fifty feet across.

“Sni, Imvïa, sni pwyn coa mleyt vint t’ysa.”

The words of power hung heavy in the air, almost tangible. They were ancient words, their true power known only to the Elders. Though their effect was known to all Celests.

Lightning cracked down from the sky, striking the pit in front of the four, creating instantly a roaring inferno. More lightning cracked, coming instead from out of the pit and striking again next to the Elder. Rather than dissipating through the ground, the lightning formed a pool of crackling plasma, from which a shape began to emerge. The shape continued to grow, twisting and writhing, finally taking the form of a large cat. The true form of Imvïa.

Nova felt her legs shake, one foot lifting off the ground and returning to the ground a step behind. Her hand was moving toward the hilt of Kenstri, an unconscious action. Imvïa looked at her, and the motion stopped, Nova regaining control of her body. She returned to her position with a look of embarrassment clearly displayed on her face.

“Nova, please remove the gauntlet from your left hand.”

The Elder’s voice held power, and she submitted to his will. The gauntlet hit the ground in front of her without a sound.

“Imvïa, pwyn coa mleyt vint t’ysa.”

Imvïa looked at the elder with curiosity, then at the three young Celest. The cat shape shot through the air, clipping the left wrist of each winner. Resuming its position next to the Elder, it raised a paw in the air, causing the inferno to rage even more than before.

“Rivïo, allow your plasma to pool up, then throw it into the pit.”

Doing as he was told, Rivïo launched a collection of plasma into the fire. The blaze calmed itself, as if it were thinking, then roared back to life with a deep blue color. A tendril of flame reached out from the fire toward Rivïo, who stared in awe. The vine touched Rivïo on his wrist, where Imvïa had sliced open the flesh, then plunged into the wound. Rivïo cried out in shock, falling to the ground unconscious.

“Zeleck, you are next.”

Zeleck glanced around nervously, and then repeated Rivïo’s actions. The fire reacted in the same manner, entering Zeleck’s body through the wound on his wrist. Zeleck dropped to a knee, breathing heavily, before passing out.

“Nova.”

She looked at the gauntlet in front of her, briefly entertaining the notion of returning it to her hand. The crackling paw of Imvïa, suddenly standing on the armor, forced the thought from her head. A sigh escaped her lungs, and she began to pool up the plasma escaping from her wrist.

Nova sent the plasma through the air in an arc, watching as it fell into the fire. As before, the fire calmed down. The atmosphere grew heavy as the fire continued to quell, dropping to barely an ember. The gathered Celests stared in awe at the unprecedented event, each wondering what was happening.

With a sharp crack, the fire roared back to life, taking on a sickly green color. The flames doubled in height, licking at the very tops of the nearby trees. Nova fell backward in fear, wondering what she did wrong. Imvïa let out a roar, the crackle of lightning resonating throughout the clearing as it shot back into the heavens.

The fire seemed out of control, and no one was making a move to control it. Nova raced through the spells she knew, trying to find something that would save the clearing from the wrath of the flames. Picking one out, she was beginning to mouth the incantation when the fire stopped writhing, forming itself into a pillar of bright green flames before racing toward Nova.

The flames struck her with intense force, pinning her to the ground. It covered her body in its fury, yet it did not burn her. Nova opened her eyes, watching as the fire entered her wounded wrist. Her other wrist felt alive again, as it did during the Xyrala. The Xisren was coming alive once more, disappearing off her wrist and reappearing before her eyes, in the center of the flames.

The raging fire calmed once more into a roaring inferno, regaining its natural orange color. It pulled itself off of Nova’s body, returning to the pit, leaving the unconscious girl’s body on the ground. The crowd stared at each other and at the Elder in silence, wondering what had occurred.

“Ladies and gentlemen…we will proceed as usual…the young ones will regain consciousness in a few minutes and we can continue with the Ceremony.”


*



Wake up, my puppet, wake up.

Nova looked around, mystified by the pink blossoms falling from the trees above her. She stood up slowly, unsure of what had happened, and froze when she saw the pennants, frozen in place on the palace walls. The Xisren Crest was visible on each, sending a shiver down her back. A loud groaning sound reverberated in the air, drawing her attention to the onyx palace standing ominously in the center of the courtyard.

Three beings walked toward her, weaving amongst themselves in a twisted dance. She recognized one as Imvïa, but the others she did not know.

Quickly, my puppet, quickly!

The figures were closer to Nova now, and she suddenly recognized a second figure. He was apparently human, which confused Nova, until she saw that he was wearing crimson and black armor. Armor crafted by a master Celestial smith, armor given to only one human in the entire history of humans. The armor was created for, and worn until death by Arvol.

The third figure was pure white, the most pure Nova had ever seen. The body gave away that the entity was feminine, though exactly who she was, Nova had only a faint idea.

As the trio drew closer, the atmosphere grew more and more cool, to the point where Nova began to find it difficult to move, the plasma of her being slowing down its rapid movement. The cherry blossoms falling from the sakura trees gathered a coat of frost as they fell, dropping to the ground rather than floating.
The beings ceased their strange movement a hundred yards away from Nova. It was then that she was able to recognize the final being. Fîrìa, the goddess of cold and winter and war, and the master of death. Nova stood now in the Judgment Hall, staring at the three major gods of the Celestial race.

“Nova. Your time has yet to come. You will return to life, but know that things will be drastically changed from here on out,” Fîrìa stated, her voice as cold as the air around Nova.

“I see that my efforts were not in vain, Nova. You wear Kenstri at your side and my armor on your body. Use them well, and th…”

Leave, my puppet, leave, before it is too late. You need not hear what this fool has to say, I will be your guide.

Nova felt her hand move slowly toward the hilt of her sword, while Arvol continued to speak of Kenstri and his past. The gods did not seem to notice her movement, occupied with something unknown. Her fingers reached out around the hilt, taking full hold of it. The wrapping squirmed under her palm, and she cried out as her hand filled with pain.

Thank you, my puppet.


*



Nova slowly opened her eyes. She was leaning against a tree, moved from her previous position by the Elder. The other Celests, including Rivïo and Zeleck, were dancing around the fire, while a band played music from the edge of the clearing. The Ceremony had proceeded while she was unconscious, she realized as she rose to her feet.

Awake I see, my puppet. Please sit back and enjoy the fireworks.

The metallic voice was beginning to annoy Nova, but she was compelled to do as it asked. Staring toward the fire, Nova was startled to see thick, black fog closing in on the clearing. Without warning, the fog reformed into clouds, flying straight into various Celests.

The music stopped as the strange clouds entered the bodies of the musicians. Only a few Celests were untouched by the clouds, and they were now watching their brethren with curiosity.

A rush of energy swept through the clearing, centering on the Elder as his mouth formed words. A final, punctuated sound formed a barrier of pitch black around a group of the Celests who had not been touched, screams escaping the prison. A flick of the Elder’s wrist caused the barriers to begin moving inward. The other Celests began to crackle with electricity, and they struck through the air at their uncorrupt brothers and sisters. Most of the attackers struck their mark, screams of pain issuing forth from the lips of dying Celests, filling the night air.

Rivïo and Zeleck spared no time in the clearing, making their way swiftly toward Nova. She stood in fear against the tree she had been resting on, wondering if her friend had been corrupted as well. As he ran past, Rivïo reached out to grab her arm, pulling her along in his frenzied flight from the clearing. Together, the three ran off into the night and away from the slaughter in the clearing behind them.

Yes, my puppet. Run. Run away.
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Re: "The Hero" - Prologue (Chapter three released!)

Postby Cool Trainer Kyle » Sun Jan 31, 2010 9:22 pm

I meant to post this yesterday after I read it, but I lost internet connection and then forgot all about it.

This is going be to short and sweet because I'm playing Call of Duty... But anyway.

Each addition is getting better and better. Not only does the diction and syntax flow well, but the storyline does as well. I believe each of your chapters has a climax which is a trait of classic work.

I can't wait to see what happens with these shadow like beings :)

Well done!
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